My thoughts on Noah’s Ark, or: Why God is an asshole.
I don’t think we give God enough credit…
…for what an asshole he was for the whole Noah’s ark thing. Here’s a God that gets pissed off because all the people are evil, but he’s obviously done very little to try to curb that situation. Nowadays people blame evil on lack of religion. But think about it, the flood happens literally 6 chapters into the first book of the Bible, these people barely had a religion to follow yet.
Missionaries in Noah’s time must have had a tough sell…
"Hey have you heard the good news about God?"
"No, tell me about him! What great things has he done?
"Well, he created the world, that was pretty neat."
"Well I do like the world! So what happens when we die?"
"You know what? He really hasn’t said anything about that yet."
"Well, he’s at least got some rules right?"
"Oh definitely. Like there is this fruit, don’t eat that fruit, man. Wait, actually nevermind. That one isn’t really relevant anymore… Oh don’t kill anyone though! This one dude did that once, after God totally failed to mention that murder is bad to everybody, and God got super pissed off."
"Okay so there’s one rule… Anything else?"
"Nope, literally nothing else interesting has happened since the creation that’s considered canon. Here, take this. We don’t have a Bible, but this vague pamphlet explains it: God created everything, Eve ate some fruit, Cain killed his brother, everyone got punished, and then people had some kids. Beyond that we’re just waiting to see where God is going with all this."
"Huh. So it’s pretty much a free for all until God gets mad and tells us we’re wrong?"
"Yep seems like it. Hey wanna steal some food and head back to my place? We can beat my children and sodomize my wife."
"You know, I see absolutely nothing morally wrong with that."
And then God gets pissed off like it’s Man’s fault.
Here’s God’s actual Biblical thinking:
The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled. So the Lord said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.” But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord. (Genesis 6:5-8, NIV)
This definitely doesn’t make God look very competent.
He’s basically saying "Okay I had no idea what I was doing when I created the world. Apparently all these people that I modeled after myself are a bunch of violent assholes, and I didn’t see that coming. Throw those misconceived notions about me being all-knowing out the window because seriously there was like, no plan whatsoever here. Anyway I should probably drown these evil motherfuckers. Oh except that guy I guess. He’s cool. Probably because he’s 600, got most of those rebellious antics from his early centuries out of his system."
And then, to mass murder the world, he picks one of the worst ways to die as his implementation method. I mean, a merciful, all powerful God should be able to make everyone die in their sleep or something, right? But apparently he didn’t want to bother Noah with a messy clean up job. So he opted for everyone to die a panicky, wet, horror-stricken death.
Well, not necessarily everyone died that way.
You have to figure some people grabbed on to boards or something to stay afloat, those people probably starved to death. An even worse way to go. Also, were there no fishermen back then? You’d assume there would be, what with Noah knowing what the fuck an ark was. If there were we have to assume there were other people out there with smaller boats, and with plenty of rain water to drink and some lucky fishing they could totally go 40 days.
But they didn’t. Only Noah’s boat survived. So that means God was up there actively trying to shake them off their boat like you’d shake off a dog humping your leg going “Dammit why won’t you drown already?” You don’t hear many stories of what happened on the boat because God was too busy killing innocent fishermen to keep tabs on what was going on with the main story arc (heh), and thus the prophets just sort of skipped over that part..
God’s Mom steps in
When I was a kid I always wondered if God had a mother. Now I’m convinced he did. Because the apology he gives at the end just seems tacked on. Like he got scolded by someone and had to apologize so they wouldn’t take his toys away.
"Never again will I curse the ground because of humans, even though every inclination of the human heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done." (Genesis 8:21, NIV)
Translation: “I’m sooo sorry I drowned everyone, even though you totally deserved it, but I feel reaallly bad about it. I promise I won’t kill the whole Earth again.” But you can totally tell he’s testing his limits with his Mom, because not long after he goes and destroys Sodom and Gomorrah. “What? I said all living creatures, Mom.” And although he never did apologize for that one you can tell she was pissed about it because he never pulled that shit again. I’ll bet God’s Mom was a cool lady.
Once Noah got off the boat, God started giving some actual rules like “be fruitful and multiply” and “you can eat all the animals now but make sure they’re all the way dead and don’t drink their blood that’s gross”, but he was still really slow getting all the rest of them out. So basically thousands of more years went by and nobody had all of the right information until Moses showed up. Pretty much everyone went to hell.
Oh on a related note since you’re here go to my webcomic site for a comic I drew about Noah’s Fat Cousin’s Ark, see the blog post below the drawing for the outrageously awesome story the Bible left out!